Conquering Failure

Sbeg begins this episode by giving us the reality of life. Failing is inevitable, especially in our 20s. During this time of our life, most individuals need to divide their focus on multiple things at once. This includes relationships, work, university, finances, risks, etc. Our society also does not make things easier for individuals in their 20s. Some may say that our 20s are a time to enjoy ourselves while others urge that our 20s are a time to build skills that can foster a future of opportunity and wealth. For the latter, the pressure from society can inadvertently lead to a situation where individuals become scared of attempting new things with the possibility of failure. Especially in the age of social media, our efforts are broadcasted to our peers, but also our failures.

"When you put something out there in the world, 10% of people are going to hate it, 80% of people are going to be indifferent and 10% of people are going to love it."

This quote categorizes the reactions of people to our endeavors. This reality affects people in different ways because each person handles situations differently. Small mistakes can feel life-altering and permanent sometimes. Although there is a small percentage of individuals who would like to see us fail(the 10%), we choose to focus on the negative over the positive. I will expand on this later in this post.

We need to understand that failure is not what defines us for the rest of our lives. It does not mean that our life is over. For Sbeg and myself, most individuals we know are in their 20s, without kids, and no large financial investments. Therefore, individuals without such responsibilities have a "safety net". This allows them to easily pick themselves up from failure and continue. Nothing is holding us down to the environment in which we had our failures.

How does failure impact our minds, behavior and self-concept?

Self Esteem/ Self Concept - "a self-evaluation construct that corresponds to an overall view of what we contemplate and evaluate about ourselves both internally, how we see ourselves and how others see us."

We usually associate failure with punishment when growing up. As a result, we develop a negative internal reaction to receiving punishment for such failures. The mind also becomes conditioned to know the outcome of our failures. This makes us want to avoid making mistakes. This avoidance develops into a fear of failure. This mentality then evolves into self-monitoring and inflicting punishment on ourselves, which is normally received from an external figure. Self-punishment may sound like a good strategy to learn lessons from our mistakes but causes problems in the long run. After reading about the effects of self-punishment, I thought that delayed gratification was a form of self-punishment. I was wrong.

Delayed gratification is a powerful concept that goes beyond mere self-punishment. It involves the ability to resist immediate rewards in favor of long-term benefits and greater fulfillment. By making conscious choices to delay instant gratification, we exercise self-control and discipline, paving the way for achieving meaningful goals and aspirations. It's not about denying ourselves happiness; rather, it's about prioritizing our values and investing in our future well-being. Through delayed gratification, we cultivate patience, resilience, and the ability to make choices that lead to long-term success and satisfaction.

Anyways, I digress...

Perception of Interpersonal/Group Shame

Sbeg stated that the root of failure and the fear of failure is shame. Our actions and behaviors are often motivated by our unconscious need to be liked by the group we belong to. This is a natural human tendency.

"How do others see me?"

For me, this is a probing question, as it is one that I answer frequently in my head. Sometimes, I do not care. Most times, it has limited me from saying the things I want to say, or the things I want to do. I even recognize the effects but in moments that require my input, it takes so much mental effort, persuasion and planning just to get a word out. I think that this happens unconsciously because I do not want to be wrong. I put my best well-thought-out opinions, comments, or arguments forward.

Since individuals want to be included and liked by their group, they stick to rules/blueprints of behavior that are accepted. This is to avoid being an outcast(feeling less respected, liked, and accepted), or the feeling of such. Just criticism may feel like rejection.

It can go without saying that social media just adds fuel to the fire that is our emotions. Moreover, as we get older, the impact of perceived failure decreases and takes less toll on our positive emotional being. This is because older folks may just be better at regulating their emotional states.

The two types of people

Guilt Prone vs Shame Prone

Easier to change your behavior than who you are.

Guilt-prone individuals make mistakes and they focus on their behavior. They learn from their mistakes and are motivated.

Shame-prone individuals believe that their actions were wrong and feel that they are the problem.

Low achievement orientation vs High test anxiety.

Sbeg stated that people who fear failure have a composite of two personalities.

People with low achievement orientation do not take pleasure from accomplishments or meeting goals. Admittedly, this is a characteristic of mine. Except, I just find it hard to get excited when I know what lies in my future. I consider some major goals that I've had in my life to just be steps toward what I want to become. Although low achievement orientation may be a cause of the fear of failure, I think it does not apply to everyone.

On the other hand, I can agree that I experience the following:

"...motivated less by the possibility of winning and gaining something of value...motivated by the anxiety of the possibility of messing up"

Whenever the time comes to execute what I've put hours of practice into, I can't get over the nervous feeling. My mind replays multiple ways things can go wrong. This is high test anxiety and it is something that I am improving on as it is self-sabotage.

Atelophobia/Perfectionism

Defined as the extreme fear of imperfection/failure. As anything that we are deathly afraid of, we avoid them. In the case of atelophobia, we avoid situations where failure can take place. This isolates us from new and sometimes important experiences. Additionally, it leads to constant judgment, and never believing you are doing things correctly.

Overcoming that fear of failure

It is all about our frame of mind. I mentioned earlier that we choose to focus on the negative results over the positive in a given situation. I learned that this is important to consider because we allow ourselves to behave in a manner that reflects our mindframe.

Choose a justification that works for you. Let me explain mine: I learn lessons through failure. I revisit my thoughts and state of mind at various times of completing a task. I find out what went wrong and the series of events that follow. If I do find the problem, I try to fix them on my second attempt.

We only realize the importance of failure if we accept it in our lives. To make it easier to accept failure, we must alter our perspective. Experiencing failure and not avoiding it can help us develop healthy coping mechanisms. Avoiding failure can lead to the development of negative coping mechanisms such as isolation, suppression, and projection. THis leads to a phobic pattern of behavior.

Sometimes, there are things that we cannot even control. Therefore, we shouldn't blame ourselves if we fail. There will always be new opportunities.

There you go!

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this post. If you learned anything of value, share the knowledge with others. It would go a long way for everyone to learn more about themselves regarding failure. It would also help others understand why failure can feel so dreadful and how can it can be embraced for self-improvement.

I conclude with a motivating quote from Sbeg that inspires growth:

"Fail hard, fail soon, fail often"

You can listen to the podcast episode on Spotify here: